FCC protects Americans from Internet

Thanks to swift government action, computer users like this will be protected from dangerous ideas on the Internet.

The Federal Communications Commission adopted new regulations Tuesday to make sure Americans will be protected from the Internet.  The rules, known generally as “net neutrality,” guarantee that any controversial, upsetting, or scary ideas will be promptly neutralized.

The FCC decided to act after it was discovered that the Internet is one of the few areas of human existence not subject to heavy government involvement.  Worried about the continued rise of freedom on the Web, officials stepped in.

“This will help preserve a free and open Internet; that is, an Internet free and open for us to regulate,” said FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski.

Some commissioners wanted to take action after the recent WikiLeaks data dump exposed numerous U.S. diplomatic secrets.  Invoking the controversy over the Web site, several members delivered passionate speeches exhorting such American ideals as government censorship of contentious and shocking information.

Genachowski suggested that, in lieu of exposing themselves to frightening things on the Internet, computer users should spend time reading materials on the FCC Web site.

“There are plenty of sites out there spreading inflammatory ideas, mostly political and religious in nature.  People are better off not visiting those, which is why we need net neutrality,” said Genachowski.  “I’ve visited those sites myself, and I can assure the American people there’s nothing to see there.”

Also enacted under the guise of net neutrality are rules to keep Internet service providers from restricting or slowing access to online content.  Although there are few if any such instances, commissioners felt the threat was urgent.

Upon adopting the rules, the FCC tackled similarly pressing matters such as the lack of mobile phone access at the North Pole and the potential of alien communications to interfere with broadcast devices on Earth.

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