FDA approves very threatening cigarette warning labels

A proposed FDA warning label for cigarette packs.

The FDA has approved new cigarette warning labels that make overt death threats against consumers who choose to smoke despite decades of official discouragement.  The new labels are designed to protect children from smoking, and adults from their freedom of choice.

Cigarette warning labels are nothing new.  For years, the packaging has displayed surgeon general warnings of the ill effects of smoking.  But the new labels step up the game and show smokers the FDA is serious about not smoking.

“We’ve really upped the ante this time,” said FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, M.D.  “We’ve moved from treating smoking adults like babies to making overt threats on their lives; that’s how much we care about the American people.”

Of the thirty-six proposed warning label designs, regulators will select nine.  The labels will be required on all cigarette packs sold in the country.  Additionally, FDA officials have hinted at even more aggressive steps to discourage smoking.

“We’re going to randomly plant explosives, anthrax, and live bacteria in millions of cigarette cartons,” said Hamburg.  “We’ve also stepped up our bombing campaign of smokers and cigarette manufacturers, all in an effort to protect consumers.”

One new label features a gun with the message, “SMOKING = YOU.”  Others include such messages as “No Smoking…..Or Else,” “Cigarettes Cause Cancer, Lung Disease, and Mysterious Midnight Kidnappings,” and “We Know Where You Live,” the last of which is written with letters clipped from magazine headlines.

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