TSA adopts prima nocte

"It's all about security," said Napolitano.

Taking airport security to the next level, the Transportation Security Administration has instituted a new policy of prima nocte that it insists will protect passengers.

Prima nocte, Latin for “first night,” grants TSA officials certain sexual rights with respect to air travelers.  Amid rising privacy concerns, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano stressed the necessity of the controversial new procedure.

“It’s all about security,” Napolitano said.  “And we mean all about security, because civil liberties have clearly played no role in this decision.”

The policy is seen as a compromise between officials who want full body cavity searches and citizens who do not enjoy being violated.

“With prima nocte, we can search passengers’ bodily cavities but make it comfortable, even pleasurable, in the process,” said Nelson Moser, an official with the TSA.  “It’s a respectful way of carrying out our disrespectful security obligations.”

Despite the reassurances, civil liberties groups have roundly condemned the latest measure.  The ACLU has called it “legalized rape,” while the TSA has been nicknamed “Thousands Sexually Assaulting” on Internet blogs.

Prima nocte comes on the heels of recent TSA announcements of strip searches and proposals for building prisons within airplanes.  These steps were thought necessary to prevent the federal government from actually doing anything to reduce the threat of terrorism.

Not all passengers are up in arms about the prima nocte policy.

“If the government needs to pat people down, put them through naked body scanners, and compel them to engage in sexual relations in order to keep us safe, then so be it,” said Ward Mooney as he passed through Washington’s Dulles Airport.  “If we refuse to be raped in the name of privacy, the terrorists win.”

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